I made this card intentionally, believe it or not! I was doing some work with my therapist years ago that allowed me to hear a voice inside of me who was saying things like, “Feeling good and having a wonderful life just isn’t something that people DO,” and “It’s not a good idea to feel good too much of the time.”  It seemed to be a menacing part of me, a part that has been holding me back from many things in my life.

So I went looking for an image and a background that matched the voice.  And… here she is… as soon as I found her, I knew that she was “the one!”  I also knew that she belonged against the frozen icy background that I ripped out of a magazine almost TWO YEARS ago.

Then I began the challenge of actually sitting down with this part of myself and giving her space to talk.  Needless to say, some inner surprises were definitely in store for me!

Who are you? I am the one you have been avoiding.  I am the one who is old and set in my ways.  I am the one who restricts you from feeling good for too long.  Nothing good comes from letting yourself hang onto good feelings.

I am the one who is always looking around to see what others are thinking of us.  I am the one who has a firm hand to hold You down.  I am the one who takes your dreams and wishes and yearnings and passions and desires, and locks them up in a heavy metal box that is nailed shut and placed in the middle of an icy, frozen lake.  I am the one who is looking off into the distance to be sure that no one threatening or dangerous is coming our way.  I am the one who says you cannot always have what you want.  Sometimes, of course, I allow you to have good feelings.  I do want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to feel that good ALL of the time.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t proper.  It isn’t how I do things.  It isn’t who you are. I am the one who keeps you in your place.  I am the one who has many servants to do my bidding.  I am the one with all the power and authority in your inner world.  I am the one who makes it always winter, and never summer.  I am the one who is furious when you ask for what you want and expect to receive it. I am the one whose duty it is to keep you small and low and in your place.

What do you have to give me? I give you protection from disappointment and loss.  I give you safety in smallness.  If you stay small, you risk nothing and therefore you stay safe.

What do you want from me? I want you to remember your place in my kingdom.  I want you to stop trying to live a larger life than the one I have given you.  I want you to stop doing the things that you love every single day.  Once in a while is just fine, but you can’t be doing these things (writing, journaling, getting up early, swimming, walking by the ocean, dancing, cuddling, laughing, playing with Sasha…) EVERY DAY. 

Is there anything else you have to say to me right now? I am the one who insists on saving the best for last.  Immediate gratification never helped ANYONE.  I am  the one who insists that you not wear your favorite clothes every day, who says “we’ll do that later” when I hear you thinking of doing something that you really love.

NOTE TO READERS: I did a lot more work with this card than you can see here.  I did some guided visualization work with her with my therapist.  I also did several journal entries, short-story-style where I had her tell her story.  One of my “inner surprises” came when I asked her: When did you freeze the lake?  She informed me that it was called the Lake of Possibilities and that she froze the Lake many years ago when the first real love-of-my-life called me up and told me that he didn’t love me anymore.  And her whole mode of operation since then had been to protect me from that kind of hurt again. 

The more that I worked with her, and really listened, and really let her tell me her story, the more I could see exactly how she had manifested herself in my life.  It was an amazing process, and I am still working with her.  The more I listen to her, the more her energy is shifting.  The last time I talked with her intentionally, she told me, “I am the one who lives in your heart.  I am the one who loves.”   So now I’m wondering if maybe she is the Being that lives in my 4th Chakra Heart area.  Only time will tell… and I am willing to wait and see!

My big brother, Joe Pacheco (named after our dad) will be 80 years old this Sunday. He has gray hair now and looks a little older than he does on this card, mainly because I made it soon after I started SoulCollaging in 2005, and 21 years has made a difference in how we both look!

Joe is ten years older than me, so we weren’t close until I was an adult.  But when I was in my early teens, he always took the time to do things with me.  The biggest thing he ever did for me was introduce me to the theatre.  When I was twelve years old, he and his wife Karen took me to see a production of Man of La Mancha at the University of Connecticut, and I fell in love immediately with everything about theatre.

In his career years, Joe was a middle school English teacher, a photographer/film maker, and a media coordinator for an entire school system, and one of this biggest passions is reading.  I believe I have captured the essence of my big brother and my relationship with him here on this SoulCollage^® card, which honors him in my deck.

Who are you? I am the one who is your big brother.  I am the one who took you places when you were little and who introduced you to the theatre.  I am the one who loves taking pictures and filming documentaries, who loves books. I am the one who is kind and thoughtful and helpful to others. I am the one who looks out for what the people around me need and am able to give it to them. I am the one who is older now and I am the one who still loves you unconditionally.

What do you have to give me? I give you a special bond, a special brother-sister relationship.  I give you curiosity and validation and unconditional love.  I give you my love of theatre. I give you a shared history and a love of reading and writing. I give you a sense of family and support in whatever you undertake.

On April 22, “this guy” and I celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary 💖

We met four years before that, so technically we’re celebrating 35 years together 😮

This is one of the first cards I made, and I found it to be a very interesting process speaking from the card as if I were Jeff!   It gave me a whole new perspective on our marriage . . . and on him as a person.

This is the journaling I did back in 2005 (when we’d been married for 10 years):

Who are you?
I am the one who loves you unconditionally.  I am the one who is fun and easy-going and loves to laugh.  I am the one who is strong and stable and steady.  I am your rock.  I am the one who is hard-working and dependable.  I am the one who loves people and who always believes the best of people. I am the one who embodies positive living.  I am the one who is a good father and who wants the best for my children.  I am the one who manifests abundance by the way I live and think.  I am the one with a big, wide heart.

What do you have to give me?
I give you an abundance of love and support and kindness and grace.  I give you the knowing that you are unconditionally loved.  I give you my everything.  I give you financial security freely and with no strings attached because I love you.

What do you want from me?
I just want your love, and for you to be kind to my children and to my mother.  I want you to be there for me, and to have fun together with you on our many vacations.

And this is the way this Neter answers my questions today, after 35 years of loving . . . can you see/hear a difference that suggests a long journey?

Who are you?
I am the one who continues to love you unconditionally, no matter your moods and perceived failures. I am the one who supports your creative endeavors. I am the one who said “We will get through this together” when you told me you had breast cancer. I am the one who has honored your long desire to live in Maine. I am the one who gives you space to read and write and make art. I am the one who is proud of you. I am the one who has honored my commitment to walk beside you, no matter what. I am the one who loves my children and grandchildren. I am the one who loves going to the theatre with you, and watching TV with you, and snuggling with you and Louis at night before we sleep. I am the one who depends on you to help me see what I cannot see.

What do you have to give  me?
My gifts to you are my solid foundation, my generous spirit, my loving heart. I have the gift of steadfastness that has kept you steady on your journey forward. My gifts include financial wisdom and a practical approach to living and to our lives. 

What do you want from me?
I want you to speak kindly to me.  I want you to grow older with me. I want you to enjoy our time together. I want you to understand that we are very different people, and to focus on what we have in common instead of our differences. I want you to remember that I love you.

I grew up with a mother who was always there for me physically, but because of her own lack of a nurturing mother growing up, she wasn’t one who nurtured me with unconditional love and kindness.  I missed out on having a real “Mommy.”

After practicing SoulCollage® for a few years, I realized that I could “mommy” myself and so I made several cards to depict this Mommy and Me relationship that I had missed out on as a child.  This is the one card of all my “Mommy and Me” cards that remains in my deck, as a vivid reminder that I can be nurturing and loving and unconditionally accepting towards myself.

Most of the time when I read from this card, it is the Mommy inside of me talking, but recently I drew it in a short reading and I noticed that the little girl was speaking this time:

Who are you?
I am the one who loves being held and cherished by Mommy.  I am the one who can completely relax when Mommy is holding me.  I am the one who feels safe in her arms.

What do you have to say to me today?
My message for you today is this- even though you had an earth-mother who couldn’t and didn’t give you this, you have an inner mother just waiting for you to open your arms to her. Open up on the inside.  Let Mommy hold you when you need to be held. Let go of the notion that you have to do everything yourself, and let yourself be held.

If you have a card with two distinct Neters (energies) on it, like this one, try doing the I Am the One Who… exercise with EACH of the voices and see what you discover.