The Inner Surprises Blog


Scqueendenial I made this card intentionally, to express an inner part of me that had been stifling and complicating my journey for a looooong time now.

Who are you? I am the one who sees disaster right in front of me but I deny that it has anything to do with me.  I am the one who keeps my cool, who sits on my throne and surveys the damage from a distance.  I am the one who smiles my beatific smile and pretends that everything is okay when really it is anything but okay. I am the one who sees pirate ships nearby, and to protect you, I act like everything is all right. 

I am the one who denies disasters, problems, calamities and challenges.  I am the one who watches the TV news and says “Don’t worry about it, it has nothing to do with you,” when they are talking about global warming or environmental issues. I am the one who tells you not to worry about your weight problem, to go ahead and have another cookie because it doesn’t matter.  I am the one who is smiling on the outside, always, to hide the distress that is happening on my inside. I am the one who doesn’t want to get involved with the messiness of life, the ugliness of feelings.

What do you have to give me? I give you protection from difficult feelings and situations.  I give you a safe distance from the horrors and difficulties of life.  I give you an escape from dealing with the messiness of feelings like fear and pain and sorrow and rejection and anger and loss.

What do you want from me? I want you to be safe and happy.  I want you to be free from life’s trials and tribulations.  I want you to know that I have been working very, very hard to protect you from the hard painful work of dealing with difficult emotions.

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Scdisappointed_2
  Once I became aware of this particilar inner voice’s power over me, it took me a while to find the exact right image that captured her energy for me.  And she seemed to fit just perfectly between these blue rock formations!

Who are you? I am the one who sits between the blue rocks and feels sad because life didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.  I am the who who is feeling sorry for myself.  I am the one who is disappointed when people don’t live up to my expectations or meet my “requirements.”  I am the one who resigns myself to my fate.  I am the one who wears the ugly brown shapeless garment of disappointment. 

I am the one whose eyes are clouded and I cannot see clearly because my disappointment dominates my vision.  I am the one who thinks my way is the only way and when people don’t do it “my way,” I lose respect for them and am disappointed in them.  I am the one who has learned to be continually disappointed in myself for not living up to my own high standards.

What do you have to give me? I give you an excuse to not make the effort to see the beauty and goodness that is all around you.  I give you a safe reason to not claim the joy that is your birthright.

What do you want from me? I want you to tell me that you love me, even though I’m not perfect.  I want you to love others the same way. I want you to hug me when my energy of disappointment arises for you, and remind me that acceptance is just one breath away (or two!).

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Sc533768 I made this card intuitively… I’d found the woman in the chair in a magazine somewhere.  She was sitting in front of a big building with lots of graffiti on it, and I didn’t like the background, so I cut her out completely and then tried out several different backgrounds until I felt “just right” about this one.

Who are you? I am the one who sits under the ancient African tree at the sunset time of my life.  I am the one who dares to sit naked here in my pearls and sandals and doesn’t care who sees my naked body.  I am the one who is comfortable in my own skin.  I am the one who is facing away from the setting sun.  I am the one who is facing another bright Sun.  I am the one who is content with where I’ve been, and with who and where I am.

What do you have to give me? I give you grounded contentment.  I give you something to look forward to.  I give you a sense of ancient history that is behind you.  I give you knowledge that there is something beyond the setting sun, something to look forward to as you age.  I give you a sense of grace and style and a remembering of who you really are.

What do you want from me? I want you to sit down and relax and enjoy your own body, your own company, your own aging.  I want you to look forward to what is next.  I want you to relax into your own skin.  I want you to be comfortable with who you are with all of who you are- body, mind and spirit.  I want you to retain your own personal authentic sense of style.

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SclionGiven my natural attraction to cats, I wasn’t surprised when Lion showed up years ago as one of my animal totems!  He is directly related to my Fifth Chakra center, the Throat, which focuses on self-expression.

Who are you? I am the one who is King of the jungle, king of the forest, king of all that is.  I am the one who is both gentle and ferocious. 

I am the one who roars when I have need to roar and who is silent when silence is demanded. I am the one whose eyes have seen all and know all.  I am the one who is called Aslan in your favorite children’s book. I am the one of wisdom, strength, gentleness and courage.

I am the one who is the Grand Parent of the cats you so dearly love in your daily life.  I am the one who helps you rise above daily worries and fears, who carries you above the clouds and closer to the Sun

What do you have to give me? I give you strength and courage.  I give you the ability to roar, the inner peace and centeredness to be silent, and the wisdom to know when each is called for. I give you Power and Authority and Wisdom.

What do you want from me? I want you to be still for a moment and feel the power of life roaring through you.  This power, this energy, is always there, always inside of you, surrounding you.  I want you to notice it, feel it, grasp it, claim it, allow it to transform you.

My message for you today is this: Take my energy with you into all of your relationships.  What needs to be said?  Say it.  Ask yourself, and others, the questions that need to be asked.  Answer them.  Allow the answers to come forth.  I am the energy of your throat chakra.  Allow my energy to open this area of your body so that your voice can be heard, and given and received in love.

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Six years ago this month (right now!) I was struggling with the knowledge that I had cancer again, for the second time, and that I was facing another long and winding road of treatments including a mastectomy and chemo.  I am posting this card here in honor of both of those “long and winding roads” I traveled through both of my cancer journeys.  It helps me to remember, when I look at this card, that yes those roads were dangerous and scary and cold and lonely, but I kept going through those wintery seasons and now I am standing in a lovelier, warmer place of vitality and creativity.

I especially love this Neter’s message for me (see below) about not looking back anymore on those difficult journeys, but focusing on where I am right now.

I am the one who has come here into this vibrantly alive, red, pink, and orange flower and am standing still in the midst of its lush beauty. 

I am the one whose road to this vibrant place was long and difficult and icy and dangerous and COLD.

I am the one who has come from a cold and wintry place to a place of warmth and color, a place of new, rich, abundant growth.

My message for you today is this- stop looking back on the cold, frightening, difficulties of your cancer journeys.  Be aware of the vitality within your life right now and look ahead to more growth and abundant life.

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