A totally synchronistic thing happened right after I made this card.

I went to the Y and spent my time on the treadmill that overlooked the huge gymnastics room.  I noticed there were lots of toddlers and preschool children in there with their moms, but didn’t pay much attention. I read for a while as I sweated on the treadmill, and then one time when I looked up to turn a page, I noticed a little girl in a pink tutu, light skinned and fair haired.  She was bouncing up and down joyfully, gleefully, on the dark blue gym mats.

Then she was running, running, as fast as her little legs would carry her, all the way down the mat, and leaping into a wide bed of foam blocks.  Over and over she did this, that little girl in the pink tutu!

I went back to my book, and the next time I looked up, there were TWO little girls in pink, jumping for joy in the freedom they’d found in running, leaping, flying, jumping.  When I got my stuff together to leave, there were THREE fair-haired little girls in pink jumping for joy in that gymnastics room, and I smiled to myself all the way home.

Coincidence? I think perhaps not!

Who are you?
I am the one who leaps for joy.  I am the one who is jumping for joy.  I am the one who loves frilly girly dresses and the color pink and pretty flowers and going to my dance classes. I am the one who loves getting up in the morning, and going to school, and just EVERYTHING.  I am the one who takes pleasure in moving my body.  I am the one who is pleased with my own wondrous, special, unique self.

What do you have to give me?
I give you joy- joy in who you are, joy in life’s everyday gifts, joy in what you’ve been given, joy in your own unique self.

What do you want from me?
I want you to express your joy a little more each day.  I want you to remember my energy, and consciously tune into it every morning.  I want you to stand up a few times during the day and jump for joy.

I’ve been meaning to make this chameleon card for a long time now, because I’ve been aware of this part of me for quite a while now.  I was so happy when I finally found the right images for it, so here it is!

Who are you? I am the one who tries hard to blend in with everything around me, no matter what that looks like.  I am the one who thinks everyone will be happier (including me) if I make myself look like everyone and everything else.  I am the one who also makes my insides (feelings, thoughts) imitate everyone else’s. I don’t want to stand out, to be noticed, to be judged for being different.  I want to fit in.  I want to be like everyone else.

What do you have to give me? I give you protection. That is my ultimate gift to you.  When you hide your uniqueness, no one can hurt you or judge you or make you feel bad for being who you are.  I am in the business of keeping you safe, inside and out.

What do you want from me? I want you to stop trying to be unique. I want you to be like everyone else.  I want you to be safe from those who judge people who are different.

Is there anything else you want to tell me today? Yes!  I know you are worried about the upcoming vacation with Jeff’s family. If you listen to me, I will keep you small and safe. Just do what they’re doing and act like they’re acting, and you will be all right. NOTE: Now that I hear how loud and strong this voice is, I can begin to dialogue with it some more.  I can choose to listen to it or not, as I face certain situations where I might be tempted to “fit in” instead of being true to myself.

This card and I have been through a LOT together, and I mean A LOT!  I made it quite a while ago, at the beginning of my weight loss journey.  At first, I called her “She Who Devours,” or “She Who Operates From Scarcity” because my writing from this card was all about not getting/having enough. It still is about that for me, but I’ve condensed her name to “Wanting More.”

Every time she has come up in a daily reading over the years, she has taught me something else that is valuable and precious about myself.  Now this card is not just about food for me, it’s about wanting on a much bigger scale.

Who are you? I am the one who shoves food in automatically, without paying attention.  I am the one with big jaw, big mouth, who opens wide, who cannot ever get enough. There is not enough food in the world to satisfy me because it’s not my stomach that’s empty, it’s my heart and soul and life.  I am the one who hoards food so I won’t ever run out.  I am afraid of not having enough.  I am the one who sneaks food when no one else is looking, when YOU are not looking.  I am the one who eats for distraction- everything on the outside because I cannot/don’t want to look at what is happening on the inside.  I am the one who acts from a place of emptiness and scarcity.  I am the one who never gets enough, who never has enough, who never IS enough.

What do you want from me? More.

More what? Do you want more food? Things? No.  I only give myself those things because I want more of those other things.

What other things? Words. Color.  Walks in the woods.  Playing with children.  Picking up shells on the beach.  Color. Spirit.  Truth.  Books.  Love.

And what do you have to give me? I am the dark side of abundance.  I give you the belief that you can have more of what you truly want.  More is what you deserve. More words, more color, more time doing what you love, more joy.

Other information gleaned from this card during other readings

1.I am the one who never has enough, who hoards food and things for “someday” when I might need them.  I am the one who worries that I can’t/might not have this much tomorrow.  I am the one who is needy.  I am the one who doesn’t like to share.  I am the one opening my mouth regardless of hunger.

2.  What I am saying to you today is this- look at how you ate yesterday.  Not what you ate, but how you ate.  I was very much in control yesterday.  Please look at what you could give me today INSTEAD of food.

3. I am the one who is the exact opposite of the Voice of Wealth card you drew yesterday.  See the connection.  The Voice of Wealth sits relaxed and basking in her enjoyment of having Enough and even More Than Enough.  I am the opposite of that energy state.  And what else do you need more and more of- love? Attention?  Success?  Praise?  This card you have made for me shows me desperate for and devouring….food.  But look at the other areas of your life where you are out of control, and you will see ME very active.  And when I am in control, the Voice Of Wealth cannot be heard, cannot come out to play.

4.I am the one who keeps shoving the food in and in and in.  I am the one with the big bottomless hole on the inside.  I am the one who wants and needs MORE.  I am the one who fills the empty spaces inside of me with food and other things that I don’t really need.  I am the one who would like other things to fill me up inside.  My message for you today is this: Be quiet inside.  Separate yourself from me.  I am not your worst enemy.  I am your closest friend.  Don’t let me overeat and overspend.  Be quiet inside and you will see/hear/feel what it is that I need to fill up the emptiness.

Further Reflection: I also journaled with this card a bit after that last reading.  She told me that she came into real power in my life in my late 20’s/early 30’s when I was involved in a codependent love relationship with an alcoholic.  There was a really big emptiness inside of me, then, she told me, and food was what she used to fill that empty space, to give herself comfort and sweetness.  Then after I left him, she took the back seat for a while, until I became a stepmother in my late 30’s… which was much more difficult than I had imagined.  The empty spaces loomed really large then, and this part of me was afraid of the empty spaces, didn’t know what they were.  Again, food was her easiest way to fill the void, and to keep the fear at bay.

Now I am just beginning to really love and care about this part of me.  Before working with this card, I used to be angry at her and thought that if she would just GO AWAY, I would be able to lose my extra weight and finally feel good about my body again.  Now I realize that I can help her by recognizing the empty spaces when they appear in my life, by helping her name those empty spaces (loneliness, grief, disappointment…) and by finding out what she really is wanting more of to fill the holes (big or small) in my life.

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