Sometimes I visualize all of my “inner voices” as residing in a big castle. Each one has its own room and sometimes I visualize (in meditation or in writing) myself there, exploring the rooms and the part of me that inhabits each one. 

One day a few weeks ago while “exploring” my inner castle, I found myself in the dungeon, so to speak, and guess what?  There are some parts of me that I’ve locked up down there because other parts have been stronger, or because I just haven’t known how to interact with them.

This Angry One is one of those parts. I don’t have a name for her yet (except Angry One) , but I am getting to know her a little bit better day by day. 

One day last week I imagined myself taking her hand in the dungeon and inviting her to go with me “upstairs” into my world and into my life.  “Just for the day,” I promised her.  I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference it made! And it just so happened that that very same day, my husband did something that REALLY pissed me off on a very deep level (not just surface stuff being activated, but many years of stepfamily issues rising to the surface).  And as I was feeling my blood boil, I remembered The Angry One and that she was with/beside me for the day….. It was as if I’d really been set free.  I was able to speak my anger to my husband without being consumed by it, and believe me…. this was a brand new experience for me!

I haven’t done a formal interpretation of this card yet (asking the questions and letting her answer). For now it is just enough that I have invited her out of the dungeon and into my everyday world. For now it is enough that I am becoming aware of the times when I’m angry, and offering compassion and curiosity to this part of me instead of shutting her away in the dungeon of my inner castle.

I think a lot of it has to do with social conditioning around the subject of anger. It’s not “nice” to be angry is a message that seems to be prevalent.  Growing up, I saw my mother lash out with her anger…. and I saw my father repress his completely.  I chose his way because her way was hurtful.  But now I am seeing that there is a different way. 

At first I was actually afraid of The Angry One, but now I see that she isn’t here to hurt me or anyone else in my life. She is here to shine light on injustice and to help me forge the way to my own best self.

When I first made this SoulCollage^® card, it was just the image of the woman looking out to sea.  I just loved how she was sitting there.  After I did the initial interpretation of the card (see below), I realized that she represented a part of me that is patient and calm while waiting, so I added the nautilus shell and blue spiral symbol in the bottom right corner to give it an added feeling of patience, calm, and grace.

Who are you? I am the one with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I am full of patience and abiding grace. I like to sit in silence and peace and let the world go on around me. I am not in a hurry. The world goes on and time goes on, and I am content to let it be. There is a stillness inside of me which passes all understanding, and when I access that, all else becomes unimportant.  I am waiting, waiting, and wanting for something to come to me over the horizon and into my view.  I am waiting, but with poise and calm and grace, and an inner knowing that it will come to me in its own time and way.  I wait for it without agitation.

What do you have to give me? I give you patience- calm, abiding patience… waiting that is without frustration or agitation or anxiety. What do you want from me? I want you to follow my example.  Ask for this gift of patience, for it is truly a gift.  Notice the presence of patience and impatience in your life… ask for patience whenever impatience has too strong of a voice. Additional bits of wisdom offered by this card when it has showed up in daily readings: 2/13/06- What I say to you today is this: make a card to honor your Impatient Voice, for that is a voice which is controlling you lately.  Listen carefully to what IT is telling you. Impatience is getting in the way of getting your body back to its natural weight.  I, Patience, can help you, once you remove Impatience from his throne of power in your daily life. 3/21/06-  I am the one who sits by the salt water, absorbing its healing essence with my stillness and an open body. I am the one who is healed by the water.  I am the one who allows myself to be healed, who wants to be healed, who is eager to be healed by the water.

4/12/06- I am the one who cherishes the waiting, who knows that this is the journey as well.  You can learn so much in the times of patient waiting. You are doing the work… now be still once the work is done… be still and allow the good things to come to you.

I made this card about four months ago, and yesterday it showed up in my daily reading, so I spent a little time interpreting it (see below).  Oh, I do so LOVE this card!!!  I actually left it on my altar in plain view instead of putting it back in my deck, so I can see it whenever I go past and be reminded of this delicious lovely energy that IS inside of me.

And then a very synchronistic thing happened.  I went to the Y and spent my time on the treadmill, and this time the only treadmills left were in the hall space overlooking the huge gymnastics room.  I noticed there were lots of toddlers and preschool children in there with their moms, but didn’t pay much attention. I read for a while on the treadmill, then one time when I looked up to turn a page, I noticed a little girl in a pink tutu, light skinned and fair haired, and she was bouncing up and down joyfully, gleefully, on the dark blue gym mats.  Then she was running, running, as fast as her little legs would carry her, all the way down the mat, and leaping into a wide bed of foam blocks.  Over and over she did this, my little girl in the pink tutu!  I went back to reading and when I looked up again,there were TWO little girls in pink, jumping for joy in the freedom they’d found in running, leaping, flying, jumping.  When I got my stuff together to leave, there were THREE fair-haired little girls in pink jumping for joy in that gymnastics room, and I smiled to myself all the way home.

Who are you? I am the one who leaps for joy.  I am the one who is jumping for joy.  I am the one who loves frilly girly dresses and the color pink and pretty flowers and going to my dance classes. I am the one who loves getting up in the morning, and going to school, and just everything.  I am the one who takes pleasure in moving my body.  I am the one who is pleased with my own wondrous, special, unique self. What do you have to give me? I give you joy- joy in who you are, joy in life’s everyday gifts, joy in what you’ve been given, joy in your own unique self. What do you want from me? I want you to express your joy a little more each day.  I want you to remember my energy, and consciously tune into it every morning.  I want you to stand up a few times during the day and jump for joy, the way you bounce up and down in the water when you get into the pool!

Here is another card I made several months ago which has been in my deck all this time, longing to be given a voice.  I did the interpretation yesterday, in response to my own Challenge (see June 2)… and this is what I discovered.

Who are you? I am the one who moves in rhythms of color and light.  I am the one who is alive and laughing, and dancing with exotic scarves in bright colors.  I am the one who is fully alive and comfortable in my own skin.  I am the one who loves flowing skirts and scarves.  I am the one who is full of joy in the movement of my own body.  I am the one who lets the vital life force flow through my body, soul, and life.  I am the one who knows how to be present in my body, who loves the feel of my body in movement and dance.  I am the one who loves to dance, to move within circles of wild music and bright colors. What do you have to give me? I give you freedom in moving your body.  I give you a sense of joy and comfort in moving your body.  I give you rhythm as you dance, and I give you a sense of strength and gladness and acceptance of your body. I give you power as you move, power in your body. What do you want from me? I want you to move, to dance, and dance often! II want you to acknowledge your body as powerful, strong, beautiful.  I want you to embrace your vitality, and claim your body instead of cursing and rejecting it.

I created this card several months ago because I just liked the two images and how they fit together even though you wouldn’t ordinarily think they went together.  Today I did the interpretation of this card, in response to my own SoulCollage^® Challenge to spend some time interpreting a few cards that have been sitting in our decks for a while (see June 2 entry).

Who are you? I am the one who dives into the fire. I am the one who leans in and allows myself to freefall into the volcano of my feelings, my grief, my pain, my anger.  I am the one who falls into a hot seething fire which burns away all negativity and false expectations.  I am the one who freefalls through whatever happens in my life.  And beyond this fiery volcano is a cool, calm, peaceful sky, and a mountain nowhere near as difficult to climb. What do you have to give me? I give you fearlessness, to face whatever inner fires you fall into.  I give you an eagerness to know, to claim, to dive into those inner fiery realms of emotions.  I give you purification because you dared to plunge into the fiery depths of your soul. What do you want from me? I want you to go right into your inner worlds, no matter how scary and hot and dangerous they seem on the outside.