I created this card four months ago, totally intuitively, just liking the way the images seemed to fit together.  I was intrigued by the woman holding up the shade so resolutely, and in awe of the beauty of the background scene of the sand,flowers and lightning.

As I was making the card, I accidentally ripped the woman from shoulder to hip/buttocks.  At first I was going to get rid of the image, but then I thought, “Hmm..  this is probably important to the meaning of the card somehow.”  So I glued her back together while placing her on the card. If you look closely, you can see the tear mark on her body.

In doing the interpretation below, the meaning of that rip did surface, almost immediately. 

Who are you? I am the one who walks in the desert at night because that is when the flowers bloom.  I am the one who sees the lightning in the distance and seeks to shield myself from it for I know how it can rip me apart (see my wounds). I am the one who holds this flimsy fabric shade up to block/hide the lightning from my view.  I am the one who is trying to protect myself from the dangerous lightning.  I am the one who cannot see the beauty of the lightning (or the desert at this hour) because I am trying to hide from it.  I don’t want it to hurt me anymore.  The lightning is fierce and terrible and deadly and it has burned me before.  I know that it is also beautiful and wild and exciting, but I am willing to not see that in order to protect myself from its danger.

If you look at my JUNE 7, 2006 entry for this card (click on Committee Cards on the right) you will see the exact same card without the little boy on it.  When I first made the card, I was focusing solely on the part of me who grieves easily, the part of me who cries so easily and feels so deeply. 

I’ve done more inner work with this card since then, though.  In dialog with her, I named her Maggie because I was watching the dvd of the final season of Six Feet Under at the time and there was a very sad woman in those episodes named Maggie. In the course of “talking” with Maggie, I discovered a VERY big thing about myself…. the reason why I cry so easily and grieve so deeply is because I have such a big tender heart that is so full of love to give.  The more deeply I love, the more deeply I feel the loss of that love when it (or the one I loved) is gone. That was a major “aha” moment in my life for me. 

So I went in search of an image of a heart to add to this card. Eventually I found this little boy who is eagerly waiting to surprise someone with his gift of love.  Now when I draw this card in a daily reading, I am reminded that the part of me who grieves easily wouldn’t do so if she didn’t love so much. 

In adding the new image to my card, I’ve added a new dimension of light to this once shadowy card.

Before, when I felt the urge to cry, to grieve, I would usually be swayed by the voice of my Inner Critic (Ethel), who would be saying things like, “You’ve cried enough about this already, get over it.”  Now when I sense tears coming, grief moving in me like the tide coming in, I am immediately aware of this part of me, and find myself saying to Ethel, “No. This is Maggie, Maggie who loves so deeply.  Maggie is not done crying yet.  She needs to cry, to feel this sadness.  Let her be.” And my inner mother gets to do some loving, nurturing, caretaking then.  I find that the tears, once accepted and blessed by my inner family, are much more healing and cleansing than they ever were before.

I made this SoulCollage^® card at our KaleidoSoul SoulCollage^® retreat a few weekends ago.  It looks complex, but it is only two images.  Somehow, when I held the star/hand image over the background, my heart just said “Ahhhhh, that’s it!” And so I glued it on and made the card, following that affirmative impulse.  Even though I really loved the card, I didn’t know exactly what it was saying to me.  I did my own challenge from last week (write for 10 minutes non-stop starting every sentence with I AM THE ONE WHO…) with this card and here is what I discovered:

Who are you? I am the one who is reaching for the bright shining diamond.  I am the one who already has the diamond in my hand.  I am the one whose body and life are sprinkled with glittery diamond dust.  I am the one with my eyes on what I am reaching for.  I am the one who doesn’t have far to reach. I am the one who knows I will be able to grab the diamond.  I am the one who reaches into the sky and has my pick of many diamonds.  I am the one with diamond stardust in my hair.  I am the Keeper of the Diamonds and the Seeker of Brilliance, both at the same time! I am the one who reaches and attains.  Who knows that there are more diamonds where this one came from. This is not my first diamond and I know that it won’t be my last.  I am the one who is confident and aglow with the beauty and brilliance and wealth that is mine for the taking.  I am the one whose inner skies are studded with wealth and beauty- abundant wealth and beauty.

I am the one who shines in naked brilliance.  Who reaches with my whole self towards that which is singular, unique, splendid, rare, valuable, brilliant.  I am the one whose physical self is illuminated with the beauty and radiance of those diamonds, my life.  I am the one with proud and radiant strength and confidence in my own inner radiance, my own dazzling inner beauty. What do you have to give me? I give you an awareness of the dazzling abundance that surrounds you.  I give you the confidence and ability and desire to reach for this abundance, and to claim it as your own. What do you want from me? I want you to look around you and see the abundance that is yours!  And then I want you to claim it as your own.

I drew this card in my Daily Reading yesterday, and she had volumes to say to me about my re-entry into the “real world” after the KaleidoSoul Weekend Retreat I facilitated this weekend!

Who are you? I am the one who threatens violence, who is ready to kill anything that gets in the way of my own inner healing and growth.  I am the one who puts up a boundary. I am the one who has boundaries, who knows who I need to keep away from.  I am the one who walks away (from those who will hurt me) with ease and grace and power. What do you want from me? I want you to remember that you don’t always have to lift the sword.  I want you to know that boundaries are good.  Boundaries are transformative and life-giving.  I want you to trust your inner knowing of when to create boundaries, and how. What do you have to give me? I give you boundaries, and permission to create them when necessary.  I give you the power and strength and wisdom and grace to walk away from people, places, and things that get in the way of your joy, your growth, your solitude, your transformation. Notes from Daily Readings: April, 2006- I am the one who paints your world with vivid, soul-pleasing color when you keep out that which doesn’t belong.  What I say to you today is this- look at your life…. look at how boundary-less your life was last week.  I tell you it is ok to draw your sword, to draw a line in the sand and say, “I will not cross over there” because “there” is unhealthy for me and does not serve my greater good. August, 2006- I am the one whose third eye is prominent and marked with bright color and symbol. (I hadn’t noticed this until I drew the card yesterday!!!) I am the one who gracefully walks away from everything that doesn’t serve me.  What I am saying to you today is this: Listen carefully to your intuition today and all week.  Draw your boundaries so that you give yourself time and space to assimilate last weekend’s retreat.  You alone can do this.  You alone know where the boundaries are to be drawn.

Sometimes I visualize all of my “inner voices” as residing in a big castle. Each one has its own room and sometimes I visualize (in meditation or in writing) myself there, exploring the rooms and the part of me that inhabits each one. 

One day a few weeks ago while “exploring” my inner castle, I found myself in the dungeon, so to speak, and guess what?  There are some parts of me that I’ve locked up down there because other parts have been stronger, or because I just haven’t known how to interact with them.

This Angry One is one of those parts. I don’t have a name for her yet (except Angry One) , but I am getting to know her a little bit better day by day. 

One day last week I imagined myself taking her hand in the dungeon and inviting her to go with me “upstairs” into my world and into my life.  “Just for the day,” I promised her.  I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference it made! And it just so happened that that very same day, my husband did something that REALLY pissed me off on a very deep level (not just surface stuff being activated, but many years of stepfamily issues rising to the surface).  And as I was feeling my blood boil, I remembered The Angry One and that she was with/beside me for the day….. It was as if I’d really been set free.  I was able to speak my anger to my husband without being consumed by it, and believe me…. this was a brand new experience for me!

I haven’t done a formal interpretation of this card yet (asking the questions and letting her answer). For now it is just enough that I have invited her out of the dungeon and into my everyday world. For now it is enough that I am becoming aware of the times when I’m angry, and offering compassion and curiosity to this part of me instead of shutting her away in the dungeon of my inner castle.

I think a lot of it has to do with social conditioning around the subject of anger. It’s not “nice” to be angry is a message that seems to be prevalent.  Growing up, I saw my mother lash out with her anger…. and I saw my father repress his completely.  I chose his way because her way was hurtful.  But now I am seeing that there is a different way. 

At first I was actually afraid of The Angry One, but now I see that she isn’t here to hurt me or anyone else in my life. She is here to shine light on injustice and to help me forge the way to my own best self.