Sexual Re-Emergence

I made this card last summer, and I made it intuitively, just loving the images of the women and the gorgeous, lush, rich colors, but not really knowing what else it was about.  I made it during a time when I was questioning my sexuality: for the four years since my breast cancer treatments began and I was immediately thrust into menopause, my sexual self took a back seat.  Way, way in the back.  Maybe even in the trunk with the lid tightly closed. So in working with this card, I was delighted to hear what she was telling me:

Who are you? I am the one who is curled into myself, protecting myself from too much openness.  I feel safe sitting with my arms around my knees like this.  I am the one who is looking out of the corner of my eye at the part of me who used to be open and lingering with my sexuality.  I am the one who loves the vivid colors and hot exploding possibilities of sexual expression.  I am the one who is dwelling inside these hot possibilities and observing them from the outside at the same time.  I am the one who is longing to be sexually free again, as I once was.  I am the one who is not sure how to go about opening up sexually again.

What do you have to give me? I give you a vivid, clear reminder that I am here.  I am still here!  I give you knowledge that I remember how it used to be and that I really want to express myself sexually again.

What do you want from me? I want you to be patient with me.  I want you to be gentle with me as I slowly re-emerge from the cold dark places where I’ve been hiding these past four years.  I want you to be aware of your own sexuality.  Your breast cancer journey has led you away from this but it’s time now to return to the lush gorgeous inner reaches of your sexual self.

What this part of me had to say led me to a very big question, so I turned the question into a reading with my SoulCollage^® deck.  I asked “Who will help this sexual part of me with her re-emergence?”  I drew 4 cards, and the answers I received from them are helping me immensely on this new journey.

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Low Libido

All of the work above led me to create a card for the part of me who was pushed aside during and after the breast cancer surgeries and treatments.  I found the image of the ice cube resting on the bed/pillows a long time ago and held onto it, not knowing why.  It plays a huge part in this card for me, almost completely covering up a very sexy woman in a red dress with her arms thrown over her head.

Who are you? I am the one who used to be sexually red-hot, who used to be passionate, who used to love sex and sexual touch.  I am the one whose sexual passions have been frozen over with the icy winter of chemotherapy, tamoxifen, aromasin, and early menopause.  I am the one whose warm and passionate self is hidden, smothered, by this icy frozen wasteland called “Low Libido.”  I am the one who was thrust into this frozen wasteland unwillingly, who was kidnapped into menopause and low, practically nonexistent. libido.

What do you have to give me? I give you a place to hide from true intimacy. I give you an excuse to avoid deepening your relationship with your husband.

What do you want from me? I want you to free me from this wasteland of zero libido.  I want you to honor my voice and my presence, which you always took for granted.  I want you to not just sit back and accept that this is how things are.  I want you to remember me, to listen to me, to honor me, to value me.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work with my Inner Critic lately, and part of that work included reading the book Embracing Your Inner Critic, by Hal and Sidra Stone.  Their teaching includes the fact that the Inner Critic is entwined in our psyches with two other inner parts: the Rule Maker and the Perfectionist.  I had a major aha! moment when I read about these three parts, and immediately began working on cards for these new parts I’d discovered.  So here is my SoulCollage^® card for my Inner Perfectionist.

Who are you? I am the one who has to do everything perfectly right, all the time.  I am the one who lies awake at night worrying and wondering how I can be sure to do everything perfectly the next day.  I am the one who spins my mind around and around until I’m dizzy with the desire to get everything just right.  I am the one who is centered in and focused on the gold star.  I am the one who loves to get the gold star each time. What do you have to give me? I give you the impetus to do your best work.  I give you the desire to do well.  I give you a good critical eye. What do you want from me? I want you to always do your best.  I want you to know that my energy gets out of control and keeps you up at night because you allow that to happen, and it doesn’t have to be that way.  I want you to remember that making a mistake is not the end of the world, and that you can learn from your mistakes too.

This was a very intuitive card that I made a few months ago, and I liked it when I made it, but it puzzled me greatly.  I drew it in a Daily Reading this week and here is what it said to me:

Who are you? I am the one who leans back into life with ease and contentment.  I am the one who is content with my self, my body, my life.  I am the one who faces the light, whose feet are grounded in flowers and water and the green eternal springs of life.  I am the one who knows and gladly accepts who I am and what I have. What do you have to give me? I give you contentment, a deep inner satisfaction with all that your life is.  I give you the soft glow of inner light and inner harmony. What do you want from me? I want you to close your eyes and smile!  I want you to lean back and trust and relax and know that contentment will only lead you in the right direction.

I made this card a few months ago and last week it showed up in my Daily Reading.  I had made it completely intuitively.  At first all that was on the card was the open window background, and the woman on the bottom right (if you click on the image, it will get bigger so you can see more detail if you want).  Then I found the man in the turban and just KNEW he belonged on this card too. And guess what?  He fit exactly right!  When I did the interpretation below, I finally understood what part of me this card represented!

Who are you? I am the one with a surprising secret to tell you.  I am the one who winks at you and teases you and shares jokes with you.  I am the one who steps blithely in through your open windows and enters your life with a light step and a sense of humor.  I am the one who can laugh at myself, even though I am bound in chains and black leather.  I am the one who loves to laugh and who brings acres of fresh air into a room with my laughter. What do you have to give me? I give you open windows, fresh air, laughter, secrets, the scent of fresh flowers.  I give you the ability to laugh at that which is funny, and to find the lighter side of everything.  I give you the ability to laugh at yourself. What do you want from me? I want you to seek out that which is funny, light, and laughter-inducing.  I want you to laugh at yourself when you need to.  I want you to remember not to take life so seriously all the time.  I want you to open up the windows of your soul and let the fresh air come in with the laughter.

When I made this card intuitively, I had no idea which part of me this was.  After I did the interpretation (below), I see it now as a most precious part of me, the one who loves and craves and thrives on solitude.  This part has always been with me, from the time I was very young. I’ve always loved being alone… but I’ve never really “owned” this part of me or taken care of her so fully until now.

Who are you? I am the one who curls into myself by the beautiful ocean.  I am the one who is content in my soul, who needs no support when I look within.  I am the one who blossoms into marvelous sweet beauty when I am alone, who treasures solitude, who needs nothing external, only my inner self, to thrive and grow.

What do you have to give me? I give you the joy and deep inner peace that comes from alone-time.  I give you time to be alone, with your self, your inner voices, your thoughts, your dreams.  I give you the rest that you need, and can only get, from time in solitude. What do you want from me? I want you to remember that you are one who needs and thrives on time spent alone.  I want you to keep time set apart on your schedule for this so that you can do the work you are meant to do in this world.  I want you to remember that your creative work is made so much more powerful when you consciously seek to balance your daily life with spans of solitude. NOTES FROM DAILY READINGS: March, 2006– What I’m saying to you today is this: This is a hard week for you because your usual days of solitude are continually interrupted with appointments and places to go.  Remember to keep the balance, and that for you, balance is maintained by a higher ratio of solitude. November, 2006– I am the one who finds my deepest, truest self alone, and in nature.  I am the one with rivers and veins of life running thru my body and soul.  My message for you today is this: you can add more solitude into your daily life if you spend your evenings alone with a good book or at your art table instead of with food.  Ask yourself why you’ve been pushing me away during the evening lately, and why you’ve been replacing me with food.  I can be your truest, best and most helpful ally while you are bringing your body to its natural weight.  Remember, I am a healthy and valid part of you.  It doesn’t matter that others don’t need as much solitude as you do…. what matters is that YOU do!