I made this card intentionally, believe it or not! Some work I was doing last month with my therapist led me to hear a voice inside of me who was saying things like, “Feeling good and having a wonderful life just isn’t something that people DO,” and “It’s not a good idea to feel good too much of the time.”  It seemed to be a menacing part of me, a part that has been holding me back from many things in my life.

So I went looking for an image and a background that matched the voice.  And… here she is… as soon as I found her, I knew that she was “the one!”  I also knew that she belonged against the frozen icy background that I ripped out of a magazine almost TWO YEARS ago.

Then I began the challenge of actually sitting down with this part of myself and giving her space to talk.  Needless to say, some inner surprises were definitely in store for me!

Who are you? I am the one you have been avoiding.  I am the one who is old and set in my ways.  I am the one who restricts you from feeling good for too long.  Nothing good comes from letting yourself hang onto good feelings.

I am the one who is always looking around to see what others are thinking of us.  I am the one who has a firm hand to hold You down.  I am the one who takes your dreams and wishes and yearnings and passions and desires, and locks them up in a heavy metal box that is nailed shut and placed in the middle of an icy, frozen lake.  I am the one who is looking off into the distance to be sure that no one threatening or dangerous is coming our way.  I am the one who says you cannot always have what you want.  Sometimes, of course, I allow you to have good feelings.  I do want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to feel that good ALL of the time.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t proper.  It isn’t how I do things.  It isn’t who you are. I am the one who keeps you in your place.  I am the one who has many servants to do my bidding.  I am the one with all the power and authority in your inner world.  I am the one who makes it always winter, and never summer.  I am the one who is furious when you ask for what you want and expect to receive it. I am the one whose duty it is to keep you small and low and in your place.

What do you have to give me? I give you protection from disappointment and loss.  I give you safety in smallness.  If you stay small, you risk nothing and therefore you stay safe.

What do you want from me? I want you to remember your place in my kingdom.  I want you to stop trying to live a larger life than the one I have given you.  I want you to stop doing the things that you love every single day.  Once in a while is just fine, but you can’t be doing these things (writing, journaling, getting up early, swimming, walking by the ocean, dancing, cuddling, laughing, playing with Sasha…) EVERY DAY. 

Is there anything else you have to say to me right now? I am the one who insists on saving the best for last.  Immediate gratification never helped ANYONE.  I am  the one who insists that you not wear your favorite clothes every day, who says “we’ll do that later” when I hear you thinking of doing something that you really love.

I did a lot more work with this card than you can see here.  I did some guided visualization work with her with my therapist.  I also did several journal entries, short-story-style where I had her tell her story.  One of my “inner surprises” came when I asked her: When did you freeze the lake?  She informed me that it was called the Lake of Possibilities and that she froze the Lake about 30 years ago when the first real love-of-my-life called me up and told me that he didn’t love me anymore.  And her whole mode of operation since then had been to protect me from that kind of hurt again. 

The more that I worked with her, and really listened, and really let her tell me her story, the more I could see exactly how she had manifested herself in my life.  It was an amazing process, and I am still working with her.  The more I listen to her, the more her energy is shifting.  The last time I talked with her intentionally, she told me, “I am the one who lives in your heart.  I am the one who loves.”   So now I’m wondering if maybe she is the Being that lives in my 4th Chakra Heart area.  Only time will tell… and I am willing to wait and see!

This is one of the first cards I made… and I love her!  I named her Simone, which is French for wise and thoughtful.

Who are you? I am the one who knows how to nourish myself.  I am the one who drinks deeply from the bowl of life and never worries about the bowl being empty.  I am the one who takes care of my body with good food, and cares for my mind and my spirit with rainbows, light, and gorgeous colors that ache with beauty. I am the one who easily says, “Enough.”  I am the one who is grateful for what I have, who isn’t frantic about having more.  There is no desperation in my voice- only peace, wellness, grace and content. I am the one who is comfortable with my true self, who wants to see my true self thriving and healthy and whole.  I am the one who puts good, beautiful things into my mind and body and spirit.  I am the one who delights in taking care of myself.

What do you have to give me? The gift of taking care of yourself.  I am The Slender One’s sister.  We walk hand in hand.  One does not exist without the other. What do you want from me? I want you to give your body what it truly needs, and only that.  I want you to open your body, your soul, to all means of nourishment.  To make self-nourishment a daily practice.

I made this card intuitively… I’d found the woman in the chair in a magazine somewhere.  She was sitting in front of a big building with lots of graffiti on it, and I didn’t like the background, so I cut her out completely and then tried out several different backgrounds until I felt “just right” about this one. Who are you? I am the one who sits under the ancient African tree at the sunset time of my life.  I am the one who dares to sit naked here in my pearls and sandals and doesn’t care who sees my naked body.  I am the one who is comfortable in my own skin.  I am the one who is facing away from the setting sun.  I am the one who is facing another bright Sun.  I am the one who is content with where I’ve been, and with who and where I am. What do you have to give me? I give you grounded contentment.  I give you something to look forward to.  I give you a sense of ancient history that is behind you.  I give you knowledge that there is something beyond the setting sun, something to look forward to as you age.  I give you a sense of grace and style and a remembering of who you really are. What do you want from me? I want you to sit down and relax and enjoy your own body, your own company, your own aging.  I want you to look forward to what is next.  I want you to relax into your own skin.  I want you to be comfortable with who you are with all of who you are- body, mind and spirit.  I want you to retain your own personal authentic sense of style.

This card and I have been through a LOT together, and I mean A LOT!  I made it almost two years ago, at the beginning of my weight loss journey.  At first, I called her “She Who Devours,” or “She Who Operates From Scarcity” because my writing from this card was all about not getting/having enough. It still is about that for me, but I’ve condensed her name to “Wanting More.”

Every time she has come up in a daily reading over the last two years, she has taught me something else that is valuable and precious about myself.  Now this card is not just about food for me, it’s about wanting on a much bigger scale.

Who are you? I am the one who shoves food in automatically, without paying attention.  I am the one with big jaw, big mouth, who opens wide, who cannot ever get enough. There is not enough food in the world to satisfy me because it’s not my stomach that’s empty, it’s my heart and soul and life.  I am the one who hoards food so I won’t ever run out.  I am afraid of not having enough.  I am the one who sneaks food when no one else is looking, when YOU are not looking.  I am the one who eats for distraction- everything on the outside because I cannot/don’t want to look at what is happening on the inside.  I am the one who acts from a place of emptiness and scarcity.  I am the one who never gets enough, who never has enough, who never IS enough.

What do you want from me? More.

More what? Do you want more food? Things? No.  I only give myself those things because I want more of those other things.

What other things? Words. Color.  Walks in the woods.  Playing with children.  Picking up shells on the beach.  Color. Spirit.  Truth.  Books.  Love.

And what do you have to give me? I am the dark side of abundance.  I give you the belief that you can have more of what you truly want.  More is what you deserve. More words, more color, more time doing what you love, more joy.

Daily Reading April, 2005- I am the one who never has enough, who hoards food and things for “someday” when I might need them.  I am the one who worries that I can’t/might not have this much tomorrow.  I am the one who is needy.  I am the one who doesn’t like to share.  I am the one opening my mouth regardless of hunger.

Daily Reading  March 2006- What I am saying to you today is this- look at how you ate yesterday.  Not what you ate, but how you ate.  I was very much in control yesterday.  Please look at what you could give me today INSTEAD of food.

Daily Reading   April 2006- I am the one who is the exact opposite of the Voice of Wealth card you drew yesterday.  See the connection.  The Voice of Wealth sits relaxed and basking in her enjoyment of having Enough and even More Than Enough.  I am the opposite of that energy state.  And what else do you need more and more of- love? Attention?  Success?  Praise?  This card you have made for me shows me desperate for and devouring….food.  But look at the other areas of your life where you are out of control, and you will see ME very active.  And when I am in control, the Voice Of Wealth cannot be heard, cannot come out to play.

Daily Reading   February 2007- I am the one who keeps shoving the food in and in and in.  I am the one with the big bottomless hole on the inside.  I am the one who wants and needs MORE.  I am the one who fills the empty spaces inside of me with food and other things that I don’t really need.  I am the one who would like other things to fill me up inside.  My message for you today is this: Be quiet inside.  Separate yourself from me.  I am not your worst enemy.  I am your closest friend.  Don’t let me overeat and overspend.  Be quiet inside and you will see/hear/feel what it is that I need to fill up the emptiness.

Further Reflection: I also journaled with this card a bit after that last reading.  She told me that she came into real power in my life in my late 20’s/early 30’s when I was involved in a codependent love relationship with an alcoholic.  There was a really big emptiness inside of me, then, she told me, and food was what she used to fill that empty space, to give herself comfort and sweetness.  Then after I left him, she took the back seat for a while, until I became a stepmother in my late 30’s… which was much more difficult than I had imagined.  The empty spaces loomed really large then, and this part of me was afraid of the empty spaces, didn’t know what they were.  Again, food was her easiest way to fill the void, and to keep the fear at bay.

Now I am just beginning to really love and care about this part of me.  Before working with this card, I used to be angry at her and thought that if she would just GO AWAY, I would be able to lose my extra weight and finally feel good about my body again.  Now I realize that I can help her by recognizing the empty spaces when they appear in my life, by helping her name those empty spaces (loneliness, grief, disappointment…) and by finding out what she really is wanting more of to fill the holes (big or small) in my life.

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Meet Ethel, my inner critic!  This is one of the first SoulCollage^® cards I made because I’ve been aware of her voice since I was in grade school.  I only recently began working with her, though.  Here is what Ethel has to say:

Who are you? I am the one who criticizes everything you do, who keeps you awake at night questioning everything, who scowls up at you and stops you from doing whatever brings you the most joy.  I am the one who thinks you are fat and ugly, and questions why people cherish you so much.  I am the one who pops up from the septic sewer of your mind and offers nothing but sludge to slow you down.  I am the one who draws big X’s in the shadowy dirt of your mind. What do you want from me? I want you to listen to me. I have important things to tell you about how you’re living your life and if you don’t pay attention, your life is going to go down the toilet.  And I want you to do YOUR job…. which is being aware of when I’m being helpful and when I’m not.  It’s really tiring to have to be in charge all the time.  Let me have a rest once in a while.  I don’t have to be the only one in control of your life. What do you have to give me? I give you good suggestions and ideas sometimes.  Like when I help you with the technical parts of your writing. I also know exactly when it’s time to get your hair done again!