I’ve been aware of this particularly powerful and needy voice all of my life.  I believe I inherited it from my mother.

However, the more inner work I do, the more I realize that this voice gets in the way of my living a full and joyful life.  I made this card about a year ago and I notice that whenever I work with it, the fears lessen and more joy can flood my soul.

Who are you? I am the one who is afraid to enjoy all the sweetness and lush fullness of life.  I am the one who is certain that something bad is going to happen any minute to destroy my beautiful life.  I am the one who keeps looking out of the corner of my eye for the next disastrous thing to happen.  I am the one who doesn’t trust that life is good.  I am the one who is always worried about the future.  I am the one who can’t/doesn’t/won’t enjoy the abundance that is right in front of me because it all might be taken away from me at any moment.  I am the one who is nervous and anxious all the time, too tense to enjoy life, too focused on what might happen in the future, to enjoy the gorgeousness of this present moment right now.

What do you have to give me? My voice gives you a signal that you are too focused on the future.  My voice, my fear- is a signal to you that you need to breathe yourself back into the present moment. 

What do you want from me? I want you to hold me in your arms and tell me that you will always take care of me, no matter what happens.  I want you to reassure me that you will care for and be here for me, always, no matter what.  I want you to tell me (over and over again) that even though bad things happen, there is still a bright side of the road and that you will help me to get there, no matter what happens to me.  I want you to remind me (over and over and over again) to stay in the present moment, and to focus on what IS, RIGHT NOW, instead of focusing on what MIGHT happen in the future.

 This is a very powerful card, and working with it brought me MUCH inner growth and awareness.  Here is a poem that I wrote about this once very loud inner voice. Born of ancient wounds, that voice inside of me who says no to living a big, wide, joyful, gorgeous, artful, authentic life.

Born of ancient tears and hiding, That voice within says No you can’t lose weight You will never lose the weight If you lose the weight you won’t be connected to your mother anymore If you lose the weight you will be giving yourself The biggest gift of joy you can give

And that just isn’t done.

Born of earliest lies and fear of pain, That voice within tells me I am not worthy Of joy, Of a big beautiful easy life, Of abundance Of having whatever it is that I want.

I speak to this voice. I scoot my chair close to her and listen to what she says I tell this voice that I understand her, I really get what she is saying to me, Because I do.

She looks me in the eye and some of her sadness is laid to rest.

We discuss her thoughts and ideas. She tells me how she came to be, That she is tired of holding her arms out, so, And blocking this important doorway

She asks me if I really want to cross the threshold that she is
standing in And I say a resounding YES.

She smiles briefly, lowers her arms, sits on the floor.

I could step around her now if I wanted to But I do not. I sit still with her and continue to listen For she has much wisdom to impart.

She is the voice of NO that lives inside of me Her positive intent is to assist me in drawing boundaries, To point out the places Where a NO could really mean YES to my soul To show me there is no shame in a NO That makes me feel good inside.

Her negative potential blocks me from entering the doorway of Joyful life Her negative potential is slowly draining away now The more I listen to her The more she trusts me

Her negative potential is ebbing back to sea And foaming at my naked feet now Are the sparkling waves of

Joy

Wholeness

Presence

YES.

I made this card intentionally, believe it or not! Some work I was doing last month with my therapist led me to hear a voice inside of me who was saying things like, “Feeling good and having a wonderful life just isn’t something that people DO,” and “It’s not a good idea to feel good too much of the time.”  It seemed to be a menacing part of me, a part that has been holding me back from many things in my life.

So I went looking for an image and a background that matched the voice.  And… here she is… as soon as I found her, I knew that she was “the one!”  I also knew that she belonged against the frozen icy background that I ripped out of a magazine almost TWO YEARS ago.

Then I began the challenge of actually sitting down with this part of myself and giving her space to talk.  Needless to say, some inner surprises were definitely in store for me!

Who are you? I am the one you have been avoiding.  I am the one who is old and set in my ways.  I am the one who restricts you from feeling good for too long.  Nothing good comes from letting yourself hang onto good feelings.

I am the one who is always looking around to see what others are thinking of us.  I am the one who has a firm hand to hold You down.  I am the one who takes your dreams and wishes and yearnings and passions and desires, and locks them up in a heavy metal box that is nailed shut and placed in the middle of an icy, frozen lake.  I am the one who is looking off into the distance to be sure that no one threatening or dangerous is coming our way.  I am the one who says you cannot always have what you want.  Sometimes, of course, I allow you to have good feelings.  I do want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to feel that good ALL of the time.  It isn’t right.  It isn’t proper.  It isn’t how I do things.  It isn’t who you are. I am the one who keeps you in your place.  I am the one who has many servants to do my bidding.  I am the one with all the power and authority in your inner world.  I am the one who makes it always winter, and never summer.  I am the one who is furious when you ask for what you want and expect to receive it. I am the one whose duty it is to keep you small and low and in your place.

What do you have to give me? I give you protection from disappointment and loss.  I give you safety in smallness.  If you stay small, you risk nothing and therefore you stay safe.

What do you want from me? I want you to remember your place in my kingdom.  I want you to stop trying to live a larger life than the one I have given you.  I want you to stop doing the things that you love every single day.  Once in a while is just fine, but you can’t be doing these things (writing, journaling, getting up early, swimming, walking by the ocean, dancing, cuddling, laughing, playing with Sasha…) EVERY DAY. 

Is there anything else you have to say to me right now? I am the one who insists on saving the best for last.  Immediate gratification never helped ANYONE.  I am  the one who insists that you not wear your favorite clothes every day, who says “we’ll do that later” when I hear you thinking of doing something that you really love.

I did a lot more work with this card than you can see here.  I did some guided visualization work with her with my therapist.  I also did several journal entries, short-story-style where I had her tell her story.  One of my “inner surprises” came when I asked her: When did you freeze the lake?  She informed me that it was called the Lake of Possibilities and that she froze the Lake about 30 years ago when the first real love-of-my-life called me up and told me that he didn’t love me anymore.  And her whole mode of operation since then had been to protect me from that kind of hurt again. 

The more that I worked with her, and really listened, and really let her tell me her story, the more I could see exactly how she had manifested herself in my life.  It was an amazing process, and I am still working with her.  The more I listen to her, the more her energy is shifting.  The last time I talked with her intentionally, she told me, “I am the one who lives in your heart.  I am the one who loves.”   So now I’m wondering if maybe she is the Being that lives in my 4th Chakra Heart area.  Only time will tell… and I am willing to wait and see!

This is one of the first cards I made… and I love her!  I named her Simone, which is French for wise and thoughtful.

Who are you? I am the one who knows how to nourish myself.  I am the one who drinks deeply from the bowl of life and never worries about the bowl being empty.  I am the one who takes care of my body with good food, and cares for my mind and my spirit with rainbows, light, and gorgeous colors that ache with beauty. I am the one who easily says, “Enough.”  I am the one who is grateful for what I have, who isn’t frantic about having more.  There is no desperation in my voice- only peace, wellness, grace and content. I am the one who is comfortable with my true self, who wants to see my true self thriving and healthy and whole.  I am the one who puts good, beautiful things into my mind and body and spirit.  I am the one who delights in taking care of myself.

What do you have to give me? The gift of taking care of yourself.  I am The Slender One’s sister.  We walk hand in hand.  One does not exist without the other. What do you want from me? I want you to give your body what it truly needs, and only that.  I want you to open your body, your soul, to all means of nourishment.  To make self-nourishment a daily practice.

I made this card intuitively… I’d found the woman in the chair in a magazine somewhere.  She was sitting in front of a big building with lots of graffiti on it, and I didn’t like the background, so I cut her out completely and then tried out several different backgrounds until I felt “just right” about this one. Who are you? I am the one who sits under the ancient African tree at the sunset time of my life.  I am the one who dares to sit naked here in my pearls and sandals and doesn’t care who sees my naked body.  I am the one who is comfortable in my own skin.  I am the one who is facing away from the setting sun.  I am the one who is facing another bright Sun.  I am the one who is content with where I’ve been, and with who and where I am. What do you have to give me? I give you grounded contentment.  I give you something to look forward to.  I give you a sense of ancient history that is behind you.  I give you knowledge that there is something beyond the setting sun, something to look forward to as you age.  I give you a sense of grace and style and a remembering of who you really are. What do you want from me? I want you to sit down and relax and enjoy your own body, your own company, your own aging.  I want you to look forward to what is next.  I want you to relax into your own skin.  I want you to be comfortable with who you are with all of who you are- body, mind and spirit.  I want you to retain your own personal authentic sense of style.