Sexual Re-Emergence

I made this card last summer, and I made it intuitively, just loving the images of the women and the gorgeous, lush, rich colors, but not really knowing what else it was about.  I made it during a time when I was questioning my sexuality: for the four years since my breast cancer treatments began and I was immediately thrust into menopause, my sexual self took a back seat.  Way, way in the back.  Maybe even in the trunk with the lid tightly closed. So in working with this card, I was delighted to hear what she was telling me:

Who are you? I am the one who is curled into myself, protecting myself from too much openness.  I feel safe sitting with my arms around my knees like this.  I am the one who is looking out of the corner of my eye at the part of me who used to be open and lingering with my sexuality.  I am the one who loves the vivid colors and hot exploding possibilities of sexual expression.  I am the one who is dwelling inside these hot possibilities and observing them from the outside at the same time.  I am the one who is longing to be sexually free again, as I once was.  I am the one who is not sure how to go about opening up sexually again.

What do you have to give me? I give you a vivid, clear reminder that I am here.  I am still here!  I give you knowledge that I remember how it used to be and that I really want to express myself sexually again.

What do you want from me? I want you to be patient with me.  I want you to be gentle with me as I slowly re-emerge from the cold dark places where I’ve been hiding these past four years.  I want you to be aware of your own sexuality.  Your breast cancer journey has led you away from this but it’s time now to return to the lush gorgeous inner reaches of your sexual self.

What this part of me had to say led me to a very big question, so I turned the question into a reading with my SoulCollage^® deck.  I asked “Who will help this sexual part of me with her re-emergence?”  I drew 4 cards, and the answers I received from them are helping me immensely on this new journey.

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Low Libido

All of the work above led me to create a card for the part of me who was pushed aside during and after the breast cancer surgeries and treatments.  I found the image of the ice cube resting on the bed/pillows a long time ago and held onto it, not knowing why.  It plays a huge part in this card for me, almost completely covering up a very sexy woman in a red dress with her arms thrown over her head.

Who are you? I am the one who used to be sexually red-hot, who used to be passionate, who used to love sex and sexual touch.  I am the one whose sexual passions have been frozen over with the icy winter of chemotherapy, tamoxifen, aromasin, and early menopause.  I am the one whose warm and passionate self is hidden, smothered, by this icy frozen wasteland called “Low Libido.”  I am the one who was thrust into this frozen wasteland unwillingly, who was kidnapped into menopause and low, practically nonexistent. libido.

What do you have to give me? I give you a place to hide from true intimacy. I give you an excuse to avoid deepening your relationship with your husband.

What do you want from me? I want you to free me from this wasteland of zero libido.  I want you to honor my voice and my presence, which you always took for granted.  I want you to not just sit back and accept that this is how things are.  I want you to remember me, to listen to me, to honor me, to value me.