I made this card intentionally, believe it or not! Some work I was doing last month with my therapist led me to hear a voice inside of me who was saying things like, “Feeling good and having a wonderful life just isn’t something that people DO,” and “It’s not a good idea to feel good too much of the time.” It seemed to be a menacing part of me, a part that has been holding me back from many things in my life.
So I went looking for an image and a background that matched the voice. And… here she is… as soon as I found her, I knew that she was “the one!” I also knew that she belonged against the frozen icy background that I ripped out of a magazine almost TWO YEARS ago.
Then I began the challenge of actually sitting down with this part of myself and giving her space to talk. Needless to say, some inner surprises were definitely in store for me!
Who are you? I am the one you have been avoiding. I am the one who is old and set in my ways. I am the one who restricts you from feeling good for too long. Nothing good comes from letting yourself hang onto good feelings.
I am the one who is always looking around to see what others are thinking of us. I am the one who has a firm hand to hold You down. I am the one who takes your dreams and wishes and yearnings and passions and desires, and locks them up in a heavy metal box that is nailed shut and placed in the middle of an icy, frozen lake. I am the one who is looking off into the distance to be sure that no one threatening or dangerous is coming our way. I am the one who says you cannot always have what you want. Sometimes, of course, I allow you to have good feelings. I do want you to be happy, but I don’t want you to feel that good ALL of the time. It isn’t right. It isn’t proper. It isn’t how I do things. It isn’t who you are. I am the one who keeps you in your place. I am the one who has many servants to do my bidding. I am the one with all the power and authority in your inner world. I am the one who makes it always winter, and never summer. I am the one who is furious when you ask for what you want and expect to receive it. I am the one whose duty it is to keep you small and low and in your place.
What do you have to give me? I give you protection from disappointment and loss. I give you safety in smallness. If you stay small, you risk nothing and therefore you stay safe.
What do you want from me? I want you to remember your place in my kingdom. I want you to stop trying to live a larger life than the one I have given you. I want you to stop doing the things that you love every single day. Once in a while is just fine, but you can’t be doing these things (writing, journaling, getting up early, swimming, walking by the ocean, dancing, cuddling, laughing, playing with Sasha…) EVERY DAY.
Is there anything else you have to say to me right now? I am the one who insists on saving the best for last. Immediate gratification never helped ANYONE. I am the one who insists that you not wear your favorite clothes every day, who says “we’ll do that later” when I hear you thinking of doing something that you really love.
I did a lot more work with this card than you can see here. I did some guided visualization work with her with my therapist. I also did several journal entries, short-story-style where I had her tell her story. One of my “inner surprises” came when I asked her: When did you freeze the lake? She informed me that it was called the Lake of Possibilities and that she froze the Lake about 30 years ago when the first real love-of-my-life called me up and told me that he didn’t love me anymore. And her whole mode of operation since then had been to protect me from that kind of hurt again.
The more that I worked with her, and really listened, and really let her tell me her story, the more I could see exactly how she had manifested herself in my life. It was an amazing process, and I am still working with her. The more I listen to her, the more her energy is shifting. The last time I talked with her intentionally, she told me, “I am the one who lives in your heart. I am the one who loves.” So now I’m wondering if maybe she is the Being that lives in my 4th Chakra Heart area. Only time will tell… and I am willing to wait and see!
Anne Marie, this is SUCH a powerful illustration of how SoulCollage can draw out the origins of these parts of ourselves, and help us to reach an understanding and accommodation with them. I found it very moving to read this, and thank you for sharing it here. Before I read, I just looked and looked at the card, and I had exactly the sense of the frozenness and even the box that you speak of. Very powerful.
This card and process is amazing Anne Marie. What’s even more amazing to me is I’ve been trying to identify a voice within me that’s been telling me the same thing…it’s trying to keep me in the status quo..and doesn’t want me to dream of a bigger life…having and doing what I want..out of protection AND it’s a part that’s been conditioned by society, culture, associations. This is another example of how SoulCollage helps us all. Your work with this card relates to me too. Thank you!
This card is so provocative and powerful. You really did a lot of work. I definitely recognize this person. I have one similar to her. She and I have been arguing a lot lately.
The Shamanism book you ordered has a good bit about finding those who are blocking our chakras and how to ask them to leave. I think you’ll really enjoy that part.
Thank you for sharing this. I have my own inner Queen whose goal is protection. Once I realized her job, it was a little easier to be with her and let her speak when she needed to.