I made this card to honor the part of me who is intent on unrealistic and grand expectations.  While I believe that sometimes it’s good to have high expectations of myself and others… I’ve come to discover in my life that a lot of my pain and struggle comes from unrealistic expectations.

Who are you? I am the one who is always looking for bigger and better.  I am the one who worships at the altar of expectations that are too big, too grand, too unrealistic.  I am the one who is always looking up and away instead of what at is right in front of me.

What do you have to give me? I give you a warning that you are veering off into unrealistic territory. I give you a warning to stop looking up and away.  I give you a warning that pain and struggle are close by.

What do you need from me? I need you to notice when I start worshiping the mountain of gold.  I need you to help me to make my expectations more reasonable. 

I made this card intentionally, hoping to express a part of me from the recent past.  I’ve been working for a year now with Laurel Mellin’s The Solution Method, (also known as Emotional Brain Training) and the biggest gift I’ve received from this deep inner work is the ability to really feel what I’m feeling and when I’m feeling it!

So I thought of making a card that showed the part of me who refuses to feel anything, is afraid to really feel the messy emotions of life.  Actually, I was never TAUGHT to feel them, and I never felt SAFE feeling them.

Now I do, and I am so grateful.. but I wanted to honor this part of me anyway, because she really is an integral part of my life and she isn’t going to go away.

I am the one who is encased in this glass bubble- safe, protected.  I am the one who is safe from the fire, safe and protected from the bubbling rabble of pieces and parts of you that have strong feelings. I am cool and calm and collected, safe in my womb.  No one and nothing can reach me here.  I am turned away from these angry, sad, fearful, joyful, anguished parts of you.  I don’t want anything to do with them.  They are messy, dirty, bloody, frightening, and I want them to go away. I am the one who wants to stay in this Numb Bubble and not feel anything.  Ever.  I don’t like feeligns.  They are messy and complicated and time-consuming.  I like this bubble I’ve found that keeps me safe from my feelings. I give you protection and safety from the heat of emotions.  I give you numbness to protect you.  My world is not colorful but it is safe. What do I want from you?  I want you to NOT FEEL anything!  I want you to keep me away from those ragged feelings of yours.

I made this card (rather… this card made itself!) last fall during a workshop I was leading at my home.  I don’t usually create cards when I facilitate because I usually choose to focus on the participants and their experience instead. 

BUT… that afternoon, these images grabbed hold of me and would not let go!

I am the one who is standing strong and powerful and happy.  I am the one who is in the foreground of your life right now. I am the one who is confident that the heavy shadows are behind me.  They are a part of me, but they are behind me now.  My message to you today is this: Lighten up!  In food, in body, mind and in spirit.  I am telling you… all is WELL!  These heavy parts of us are still here, and will always be here with us.  But now, they are only shadows.  I am foreground in your life now.  You have chosen me and here I will stay.

This is the very first card that I ever created!  And it really changed my whole life.  Because this little girl gave voice to a part of me who was feeling dragged along by the status quo… a part of me who was hearing another voice calling my name.

At that time in my life, I was totally dissatisfied with the theatre job (customer service) I’d been in for ten years, even though it had served me well and creatively for several years.  I was aching to leave that place I’d come to know as home-away-from-home, but until I made this card, and listened to it speak, I didn’t know how to voice that longing.

Just two months after creating this card and writing with it, I left the theatre and embarked on a new journey of being a SoulCollage^® Facilitator, and creator of KaleidoSoul.com.

But I’m sharing this card with you now, more than three years later, because it showed up last week in my Daily Card Reading on September 11.

I got chills as soon as I turned it over that morning, especially when I saw the little girl looking straight at me, and the lines of the airplane in the background.  I had woken up that morning with a heavy heart, and even though I stayed away from the newspapers and television and radio that day, my body instinctually seemed to be remembering the grief of 9/11 and there was no way I could shake it.

Here then, is what this little girl said to me as I journaled with her on September 11, 2008-  seven long years after the terrorist attacks in New York:

I am the one who is wearing the white dress.  I am the one who is being led away by a woman in black.  I am the one who has to leave you now.  I am the one whose life ended with an airplane in the background.  I am the one who is looking back one last time.  I am the one who represents those who died seven years ago this very day.  My message for you today is this: I am okay.  We are all okay.  We are still with you.  We feel your grief.  WE honor YOUR grief.  We did not choose to leave you but we are gone.  We wear white to celebrate the purity of new life.  We are no longer cloaked in ashes and fire, nor should YOU be.  The lady leading me away from you is not totally dressed in black, see?  She has a white bow in her hair, white polka dots on her dress.  Stripes.  A sailor collar.  Polka dots…see?  Death is not as dark as you make it out to be. My message for you today is of peace.  Certain politicians and countries may not understand or embrace peace, but YOU can embrace it.  I give you peace.  I give you all peace. I have to leave now.  It is time for me to turn and follow this woman who is guiding me onwards.  I loved my life when I was there on earth.  And I love my life Here.  Now.

Who are you? I am the one who is touched by the juicy water of life.  I am the one who is totally into being who I am. I am the one who receives deep joy from my own existence. I am the one who deserves EVERYTHING just because I exist.  I am the one dancing in the fullness of life and its beauty.  I am the one who is open to all that life holds, to all that life has to give me.  I am the one who receives, who holds the colorful wonders of life’s goodness.  I am the one who knows that I deserve all good things simply because I was born.  I am the one who is nourished by my own joy.

What do you have to give me? I give you the deep knowing, the belief that you are worthy, that you are deserving.  I give you freedom from guilt an the weight of impossibility.  I give you joy and a wholeness that you didn’t know existed.

What do you want from me? I want you to drink from the bowls of life, to drink from the bowl that life is offering you RIGHT now.  I want you to accept the irrefutable fact that you are worthy.  I want you to delight in your very existence.  I want you to leave behind doubt, guilt, and impossibility, for they have no place in a full, juicy, glorious life.