I made this card in 2005, to help myself with the huge sadness I feel from time to time over not having my own children. I do have three stepchildren and was very active in their upbringing and their lives from the time they were in elementary school, BUT… it is not the same thing!
Who are you?
I am the one who doesn’t have my own children. I am the one who sees this as a choice, and also a loss.Ā I am the one with so much love to give and who gave all my love to my husband’s kids and now it feels like those bowls of given love are empty.Ā So much given, and nothing received. Where was the flow?
I am the one who bows under the weight of all this sadness, loss and pain.Ā I am the one who envies women with children.Ā I am the one who feels an empty place inside where my own daughter would have dwelled.
I am the one who bows heavily to the choices that I made, who understands those choices were not made alone, or quickly, who knows that this choice to remain childless was mainly made out of love for my husband, who already had three when I met him.
I am the one who knows that this decision is also blessed with light, but mostly I am the one who is weighted down with the burden of grief and loss.
What do you have to give me?
I give you a life that is free to be led in solitude, a life that is filled with all the things and people you love, a life of freedom from the responsibility that comes with having your own children.
What do you want from me?
I want you to acknowledge that there is blessing and light and joy in spite of the grief.Ā I want you to feel your grief, not deny it.Ā I want you to know that you are not alone.Ā I want you to know that you made the right choice.Ā I want you to remember that there is more to mothering than giving physical birth.Ā I want you to honor your choice to remain childless.
NOTE FROM A READING IN APRIL, 2007 (2 years later):
I am the one who sees the empty bowls as things of lightness and grace.Ā I am the one who is filling the bowls with good things, joy and memories laced with blessing, and with love.
I am the one who embraces the emptiness that these bowls offer.
My message to you today is this: the empty bowls have gifts to offer… embrace these gifts as you live into the Divine Mystery of birth in other areas of your sweet, precious life.
Anything that I might say in response to this card and its message is feeble in comparison to the strength and power of its image and voice.
I feel it right in my stomach; this ache; and this reaching for hope.
Anne Marie, this card and your writing on it has touched me deeply. I relate to the “daughterless” part particularly, having experienced secondary infertility, and to all the light and knowledge that mothering can be done in many ways also. Bless you for sharing this with us.
I first saw this in your generous and compassionate sharing on our Facilitator listserve, and was deeply touched. This sentence, in particular, was strong for me: “I am the one who feels an empty place inside where my own daughter would have dwelled.” Having birthed two children, I also grieve the one who lived, for in hindsight I was not awake to the relationship there should have been, still in the Snow White veil of youth. I later betrayed her in remarrying a man with a child and avenging ex. You took the high road, and sprinkled the loyalty so many of us direct towards our birth children, on your husband’s wounded children, as well as God’s adult children SoulCollaging around the world. I thank you for the KaleidoSoul stardust of mothering with which you nourish our Earthly Souls, for my mother didn’t receive enough in her own life to share with her own children. Blessings, Anne Marie, for sharing your cards, your writings, your journey, your Soul, your heart.