This card and I have been through a LOT together, and I mean A LOT!  I made it almost two years ago, at the beginning of my weight loss journey.  At first, I called her “She Who Devours,” or “She Who Operates From Scarcity” because my writing from this card was all about not getting/having enough. It still is about that for me, but I’ve condensed her name to “Wanting More.”

Every time she has come up in a daily reading over the last two years, she has taught me something else that is valuable and precious about myself.  Now this card is not just about food for me, it’s about wanting on a much bigger scale.

Who are you? I am the one who shoves food in automatically, without paying attention.  I am the one with big jaw, big mouth, who opens wide, who cannot ever get enough. There is not enough food in the world to satisfy me because it’s not my stomach that’s empty, it’s my heart and soul and life.  I am the one who hoards food so I won’t ever run out.  I am afraid of not having enough.  I am the one who sneaks food when no one else is looking, when YOU are not looking.  I am the one who eats for distraction- everything on the outside because I cannot/don’t want to look at what is happening on the inside.  I am the one who acts from a place of emptiness and scarcity.  I am the one who never gets enough, who never has enough, who never IS enough.

What do you want from me? More.

More what? Do you want more food? Things? No.  I only give myself those things because I want more of those other things.

What other things? Words. Color.  Walks in the woods.  Playing with children.  Picking up shells on the beach.  Color. Spirit.  Truth.  Books.  Love.

And what do you have to give me? I am the dark side of abundance.  I give you the belief that you can have more of what you truly want.  More is what you deserve. More words, more color, more time doing what you love, more joy.

Daily Reading April, 2005- I am the one who never has enough, who hoards food and things for “someday” when I might need them.  I am the one who worries that I can’t/might not have this much tomorrow.  I am the one who is needy.  I am the one who doesn’t like to share.  I am the one opening my mouth regardless of hunger.

Daily Reading  March 2006- What I am saying to you today is this- look at how you ate yesterday.  Not what you ate, but how you ate.  I was very much in control yesterday.  Please look at what you could give me today INSTEAD of food.

Daily Reading   April 2006- I am the one who is the exact opposite of the Voice of Wealth card you drew yesterday.  See the connection.  The Voice of Wealth sits relaxed and basking in her enjoyment of having Enough and even More Than Enough.  I am the opposite of that energy state.  And what else do you need more and more of- love? Attention?  Success?  Praise?  This card you have made for me shows me desperate for and devouring….food.  But look at the other areas of your life where you are out of control, and you will see ME very active.  And when I am in control, the Voice Of Wealth cannot be heard, cannot come out to play.

Daily Reading   February 2007- I am the one who keeps shoving the food in and in and in.  I am the one with the big bottomless hole on the inside.  I am the one who wants and needs MORE.  I am the one who fills the empty spaces inside of me with food and other things that I don’t really need.  I am the one who would like other things to fill me up inside.  My message for you today is this: Be quiet inside.  Separate yourself from me.  I am not your worst enemy.  I am your closest friend.  Don’t let me overeat and overspend.  Be quiet inside and you will see/hear/feel what it is that I need to fill up the emptiness.

Further Reflection: I also journaled with this card a bit after that last reading.  She told me that she came into real power in my life in my late 20’s/early 30’s when I was involved in a codependent love relationship with an alcoholic.  There was a really big emptiness inside of me, then, she told me, and food was what she used to fill that empty space, to give herself comfort and sweetness.  Then after I left him, she took the back seat for a while, until I became a stepmother in my late 30’s… which was much more difficult than I had imagined.  The empty spaces loomed really large then, and this part of me was afraid of the empty spaces, didn’t know what they were.  Again, food was her easiest way to fill the void, and to keep the fear at bay.

Now I am just beginning to really love and care about this part of me.  Before working with this card, I used to be angry at her and thought that if she would just GO AWAY, I would be able to lose my extra weight and finally feel good about my body again.  Now I realize that I can help her by recognizing the empty spaces when they appear in my life, by helping her name those empty spaces (loneliness, grief, disappointment…) and by finding out what she really is wanting more of to fill the holes (big or small) in my life.

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Meet Ethel, my inner critic!  This is one of the first SoulCollage^® cards I made because I’ve been aware of her voice since I was in grade school.  I only recently began working with her, though.  Here is what Ethel has to say:

Who are you? I am the one who criticizes everything you do, who keeps you awake at night questioning everything, who scowls up at you and stops you from doing whatever brings you the most joy.  I am the one who thinks you are fat and ugly, and questions why people cherish you so much.  I am the one who pops up from the septic sewer of your mind and offers nothing but sludge to slow you down.  I am the one who draws big X’s in the shadowy dirt of your mind. What do you want from me? I want you to listen to me. I have important things to tell you about how you’re living your life and if you don’t pay attention, your life is going to go down the toilet.  And I want you to do YOUR job…. which is being aware of when I’m being helpful and when I’m not.  It’s really tiring to have to be in charge all the time.  Let me have a rest once in a while.  I don’t have to be the only one in control of your life. What do you have to give me? I give you good suggestions and ideas sometimes.  Like when I help you with the technical parts of your writing. I also know exactly when it’s time to get your hair done again! 

Sexual Re-Emergence

I made this card last summer, and I made it intuitively, just loving the images of the women and the gorgeous, lush, rich colors, but not really knowing what else it was about.  I made it during a time when I was questioning my sexuality: for the four years since my breast cancer treatments began and I was immediately thrust into menopause, my sexual self took a back seat.  Way, way in the back.  Maybe even in the trunk with the lid tightly closed. So in working with this card, I was delighted to hear what she was telling me:

Who are you? I am the one who is curled into myself, protecting myself from too much openness.  I feel safe sitting with my arms around my knees like this.  I am the one who is looking out of the corner of my eye at the part of me who used to be open and lingering with my sexuality.  I am the one who loves the vivid colors and hot exploding possibilities of sexual expression.  I am the one who is dwelling inside these hot possibilities and observing them from the outside at the same time.  I am the one who is longing to be sexually free again, as I once was.  I am the one who is not sure how to go about opening up sexually again.

What do you have to give me? I give you a vivid, clear reminder that I am here.  I am still here!  I give you knowledge that I remember how it used to be and that I really want to express myself sexually again.

What do you want from me? I want you to be patient with me.  I want you to be gentle with me as I slowly re-emerge from the cold dark places where I’ve been hiding these past four years.  I want you to be aware of your own sexuality.  Your breast cancer journey has led you away from this but it’s time now to return to the lush gorgeous inner reaches of your sexual self.

What this part of me had to say led me to a very big question, so I turned the question into a reading with my SoulCollage^® deck.  I asked “Who will help this sexual part of me with her re-emergence?”  I drew 4 cards, and the answers I received from them are helping me immensely on this new journey.

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Low Libido

All of the work above led me to create a card for the part of me who was pushed aside during and after the breast cancer surgeries and treatments.  I found the image of the ice cube resting on the bed/pillows a long time ago and held onto it, not knowing why.  It plays a huge part in this card for me, almost completely covering up a very sexy woman in a red dress with her arms thrown over her head.

Who are you? I am the one who used to be sexually red-hot, who used to be passionate, who used to love sex and sexual touch.  I am the one whose sexual passions have been frozen over with the icy winter of chemotherapy, tamoxifen, aromasin, and early menopause.  I am the one whose warm and passionate self is hidden, smothered, by this icy frozen wasteland called “Low Libido.”  I am the one who was thrust into this frozen wasteland unwillingly, who was kidnapped into menopause and low, practically nonexistent. libido.

What do you have to give me? I give you a place to hide from true intimacy. I give you an excuse to avoid deepening your relationship with your husband.

What do you want from me? I want you to free me from this wasteland of zero libido.  I want you to honor my voice and my presence, which you always took for granted.  I want you to not just sit back and accept that this is how things are.  I want you to remember me, to listen to me, to honor me, to value me.